Let`s Not Stay Friends

  • No matter how long you've known them, saying goodbye to a not-so-great friend is never easy. But instead of ignoring the signs that you need to let go of your toxic friendship, it's time to put.
  • Staying friends with your ex for the sake of social harmony is a noble goal, but if it’s your only reason for maintaining the friendship, it can be problematic. You have a right to spend time with.

I am not going to stay friends with someone that broke up with me and if I initiated the breakup, well, I do not feel that the other person deserves me as a friend. Olap May 24, 2015, 9:59 am.

Contrary to popular belief, true friendship does not tend to come after seeing each other naked.

It’s almost impossible for you to switch from a romantic relationship to a platonic friendship just because one or both of you have decided to do so.

To stay just friends with a long-term sexual partner is like digressing from marriage to engagement; the dynamics and foundations for the bond have already been set from the start, and anything different will only complicate things further.

Other than in some cases where you have to be friends with someone you’ve been romantically involved with, like when you’re separated and have a child or a business is involved and must maintain a functioning relationship, being friends with someone you’re interested in is almost always a bad idea.

So before you drop the “I can’t imagine life without you. Let’s just be friends instead?” line at the end of a dead-end romantic relationship, here are a couple of things you need to know:

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1. Friendship Never Really Takes Place

Some people don’t realize that what makes a successful friendship is its unintentional buildup, to begin with. Friendships are usually accidental and unexpected. We get to know each other briefly through a mutual friend and, before we know it, we find ourselves exchanging memes related to our failed relationships and our inability to refrain from giggling during inappropriate times.

In most cases, there is never a need for a friendship to happen. There are no hidden agendas or reasons behind these strong bonds. The best of friendships naturally takes place when two people find each other to be compatible as friends without even trying.


When platonic love, mutual respect, and lots of inside jokes form these special bonds from the start, they become some of the best experiences life has to offer.

Having said that, a bond that has at least one emotionally and sexually invested in the other will never develop into the kind of friendship that lasts. Or at least not the kind of friendship we promise each other when we realize we’re doomed in a romantic relationship, but can’t let go.

At best, agreeing to remain in this situation will result in a decaying connection in the long run. At worst, someone’s going to have a hard time coping and eventually get hurt, which will also lead to the death of the “friendship”.

If you’re okay with just being on good terms, then you’ve made the best choice for you both. You know that seeking true friendship just because you “can’t imagine life without each other” will most likely not benefit you both, and ending things on a positive note can be a very mature conclusion that leaves your ego and good memories intact.

But staying friends when you want more means there’s a great chance you’re forcing a bond to be something that it’s not, even if you both wish for it to become so.

What typically happens in this scenario is that the person who’s less emotionally invested than the other will either feel guilty of stringing the other person along and end the so-called friendship or will just wander off to someone or something else when the opportunity presents itself. Much to the dismay of who’s on the other side of the equation.

On the other hand, the person who’s more emotionally invested than the other will struggle to cope with the newly formed friendship. They will either try to get more out of this “friendship” or leave the other person completely. The pain of being reminded that they can’t have what’s right in front of them will always outweigh the friendship.

This isn’t to say that true friendship cannot happen in these cases, but it’s important to note the challenges that come with offering friendships after a long-term relationship or a could-have-been relationship.

Sometimes you need a long break before coming back to discuss friendship. And sometimes just leaving on good terms or staying in touch is all you need.

2. You’re Settling For The Next Best Thing

There’s a common tactic people employ when they’ve been separated from their partners or never really quite got into a full-blown relationship with them from the first place but secretly still want them; the tactic is as follows:

Even though the scheme seems logical, there’s always the huge chance that it works against you for two main reasons:

A. It’s Not What You Really Want

Putting effort into maintaining a fake connection just so it might develop into a real one that you’ve been hoping for is very emotionally draining.

Because then you’ll have to be careful with everything you say or do. To play your cards right, you must monitor your emotions so that you don’t reveal your true intentions too soon. You’ll also have to deliberately not be true to yourself to have a chance at developing this friendship into something more.

Sounds exhausting, doesn’t it?

The bigger problem with this very common approach is that the pretending will never really stop, You’ll find yourself stuck in the frustrating act of remaining untrue to yourself in order to keep pleasing the other person enough to be with you.

What you might think is temporarily necessary will become the only way to move forward when you’re not getting what you want.

Even if you do get that other person to be with you, you’ll be forced to continue pretending to keep the relationship going. Any disagreements or complaints on your side will seem “out of place” and incongruent with what you’ve been offering since the beginning.

“But you didn’t seem like having a problem with that before? You’ve changed!” your partner would say.

Nice guys are masters of this scheme; they do not go after what they want out of fear of rejection or getting friend zoned, and then get frustrated for not truly getting what they want.

B. You Play By Their Rules

Another problem with staying friends when you want more is that you’ll be less likely to disagree with them when it’s absolutely necessary.

Sometimes when we’re afraid of losing someone we love, we quickly choose to become very accommodating to their needs through our semi-friendship.

Out of that fear of loss, we’ll be willing to let things go to avoid being disliked by them. If we have a disagreement, we’ll think twice before speaking up. If we have been wronged by that person, we’ll brush it off.

Furthermore, this dynamic tends to leave us in a vulnerable state where we consistently have to compromise a little more than the other person just to keep them around. The compromise will let the other person sense that we’re desperate to keep this “friendship” going and understand that this isn’t what we really want, which might in return encourage them to take advantage of our vulnerable state one way or another.

Therefore, any sort of relationship that doesn’t allow you to freely be who you are is never worth pursuing.


Never stay just friends with someone you’re romantically interested in just to be “close” to them or just because you don’t want to lose them. It puts you in a weaker frame of mind. More specifically, it puts you in their frame of mind, so deep that you end up losing yourself.

Besides, one of the many things that will always make you attractive to the opposite gender is realizing your worth; that you’ll be willing to walk away from anything that’s less than you deserve. Scarcity is attractive, availability isn’t.

3. You Risk Becoming A Beta Orbiter (For Men)

First things first: what is a beta orbiter?


A beta orbiter is a person who’s willing to settle for bits and pieces of a relationship hoping they’ll get more.

This is someone, usually a man, who accepts being a second option or a backup plan for a woman, who in return, does not rate the orbiter highly as a long-term romantic partner.

Beta orbiters end up orbiting because they don’t think too highly of themselves. They don’t respect their own time, emotions, and resources. Consequently, their romantic aspirations end up not reciprocated by the women they’re chasing. And rightfully so; a man who doesn’t value his own time, money, and attention shouldn’t expect others to do that for him.

Moreover, when met with the woman’s “let’s just be friends” proposal, a beta orbiter will be willing to accept that proposal thinking that, one day, things will magically change and that the other person will finally recognize their true potential and end up happily ever after.

But life isn’t a fictional romantic movie where the guy ends up marrying the girl of his dreams after consistently pursuing and reminding her of his noble intentions.

In the real world, these men are too available and usually end up in the friend-zone for being too agreeable and lack a purpose of their own. More on why beta orbiters end up shelved here.

What a woman usually does in this dynamic is to let the orbiters do their thing and orbit by giving their free attention, dates, validation, and sometimes even financial aid. The woman becomes satisfied with the free service and the orbiter becomes partially satisfied with her satisfaction.

But there’s a point in time when the orbiter does get frustrated, and that’s when he realizes that the connection he has with the woman has not yet been upgraded to a more serious relationship, even though he has been giving her everything a wonderful partner would have to offer.

Once the orbiter decides to speak up out of frustration, the woman will either ignore the orbiter’s complaints and remind him that they’re only friends as they’ve agreed upon, or distances herself away from him “realizing” that’s not what he wanted.

But do these orbiters ever stop orbiting and recognize the cycle they keep falling in?

They rarely do, and that’s mainly because after investing too much time and effort into spending time and effort in their chase, they have a hard time admitting defeat. They become too afraid to let go.

Quite the contrary, they’re usually stuck into thinking that they’re almost there and that they just need to try a bit more to win their desired women over.

Loss aversion at its best.

This toxic cycle tends to go on till either the woman gets completely bored or annoyed and abandons the frustrated orbiter, or the orbiter gets too emotionally drained and broken to continue the chase.

Only then do the beta orbiters understand the position they’ve put themselves in. That’s assuming they have the self-awareness to learn from their mistakes and not repeat them.

Having said that, that doesn’t mean that a man must always demand something in return from a woman he’s interested in; after all, a healthy relationship is not a business transaction.

However, if you keep entertaining and providing for someone in order to win them over when the only thing they want to offer is friendship, then the only person you can blame when you get frustrated for not getting what you desire is yourself.

And the best way to deal with this situation is to never to invest to change her mind.

Because usually when a woman says she just wants to be friends with you, then this is all she has to offer. How you react to these clear words is your responsibility.

But we’ve all been in a situation where we wanted to “prove ourselves” to women we’ve been interested in through our friendships thinking it’s the best and safest way to get close to someone. It’s an understandable mistake we all have to deal with to learn how relationship dynamics actually work.

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In fact, I believe it’s very important for any man to go through the beta orbiting phase to learn how to make the right choices when it comes to investing in people, dating prospects included.

We owe it to ourselves to be responsible for the time we spend and the people we choose to be with. It’s only after we start recognizing our worth do we break out of this dynamic completely and never settle for less than what we think we deserve.

Here’s an article I’ve written to know the signs of becoming a beta orbiter.

Let's Not Stay Friends Walkthrough

So… Don’t Stay Just Friends


Having said all of that, I’m not saying you should never be friends with someone you’ve once seen a romantic future with. There are cases where you have to strategically become friends for greater purposes.

But if a friendship isn’t truly what you want, then don’t fool yourself and the other person into having one. If a romantic relationship is what you desire but can’t have, then it’s better to have nothing at all.

Your peace of mind and dignity are more important than those of others.

Always remember that pursuing anything other than what you want will only make you operate in someone else’s frame. And Frame is everything; it’s what gives you the respect you need to be loved and appreciated in your relationships.

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Not everyone has a large group of friends, some only have very few whom they are close with or maybe just one. In reality, that’s all you need. The larger your “close” social circle is, the more nonsense you’re signing up to deal with. This doesn’t mean you can’t have many good friends in different social circles that have nothing to do with each other. But typically in large groups, gossip and picking favorites can occur.

These friendships could’ve started in the sandbox as children or maybe they’re brand new friends you met in college or at your job. How long you’ve known someone has no bearing on how great of a friend they can be. It all depends on the connections made and how they fare with one another.

They know everything about each other and they have fun together. Sometimes there are fights, but hopefully more often there is laughter. They’ll deal with your drama and they’ll have your back even if they think you’re an idiot for getting involved in it in the first place.

It’s somebody who will ride through bullsh*t with you no matter what and be real with you on that ride. See, sometimes friendships can be very intimate; maybe even more intimate than your last relationship. I’m not inferring that every pair of best friends, or trio (or whatever your dynamic is) has sex with one another. Letting your friends know exactly who you are is quite an intimate experience. You’re choosing to open up and put yourself out there for the sake of getting to know someone.

You don’t have to admit it, but we’re all a little guilty of not being our complete selves in a relationship. Whether it’s because we feel that person wouldn’t like who we are or we’ve already exposed who we really are and received negative feedback. People tend to censor themselves or choose not to disclose certain information regarding their character, history or interests.

Your friend had no choice but to like you for you because your relationship wasn’t started by attempting to create an intimate relationship. The pressure wasn’t there; you either hit it off or you didn’t. Wouldn’t that be nice in the dating world? Just shoot the sh*t and see where it goes.

Your friend can play a part in all aspects of your life, especially those longtime friends. I spent my entire childhood with my best friend, as well as her family, as she did mine. Although life has taken us in different directions because we attended different colleges, pursued different interests and no longer live on the same street, she’s still my best friend. I have very few memories that don’t include that b*tch, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

But when you start dating someone, it is very important to remember that your friends have absolutely no place in that relationship. Most likely, your boyfriend/girlfriend didn’t sign up to date your friend; they were under the impression that you were an individual and would be dealing with your feelings and your feelings alone.

A friendship and a relationship are two separate entities and they should be handled that way. You don’t want to blur these lines. It’s a tricky situation to get out of and pick up where you left off. There’s nothing wrong with talking your feelings out with your closest friends but that’s where it should end.

Your friend shouldn’t be dictating to you how you should be acting in your relationship or making any decisions for you. People shouldn’t be looking for their friends to do that for either. Needless to say, you shouldn’t be trying to dictate anyone’s relationship either.

We all have to learn for ourselves, even if our best friend thinks they know what’s best for us. Chances are we aren’t going to listen anyway. Your friend isn’t in your shoes and just because you’re close, it doesn’t mean you are alike or can handle things the same way.

Sure, they’re coming from a good place with the right intentions, but we’re determined to learn for ourselves whether we see the storm coming or not. I think the only time where a friend would come from a bad place is if they’re jealous. It may not even be a bad place, but most certainly a selfish place.

It’s possible that since you’ve been dating someone, you’re not giving enough attention to the friendship. That would be a hard adjustment for anyone, but it’s a part of life and the experience is something to learn from.

If a relationship is going really well, you might not see your friend for a while. If you’re the one in the relationship, you may not be attempting to see your friends all the time. It just happens that way. You’re focused on making a relationship work and you’re giving that relationship the time and energy it needs.


Once they move past that initial few months or weeks of casually dating and texting each other incessantly, they start to attribute more time in their schedule for that person. If that relationship continues to go well, more time transitions into a lot more time until it becomes a lifestyle.

Then, they’ll break out of that stage and care to involve themselves in each other’s lives; for example, meeting your best friends. Hopefully everyone will hit it off together and not have a negative word to say, embracing the relationship with open arms.

The opposite end of the spectrum is that friends and significant others can clash. This might cause some turmoil, but it’s no excuse for friends to stick their noses too far into the affairs of others. You accept people for exactly what they are, friends most importantly. It’s why you’re friends in the first place.

Let's Not Stay Friends

Not all relationships are good experiences or good in general. Some relationships may be a bad idea for that person from the beginning, but you cannot try and sway anyone out of the situation. Again, they must learn for themselves. We gain a wider perspective. We have to experience the bad to cherish and appreciate the wonderful later on.

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By pushing your opinions and influences, you’re only placing stress on your friendship. The next thing you know, you aren’t friends anymore over a relationship that may very well not have lasted too much longer. This would be a tragic ending to a friendship over something meaningless.

There are always exceptions. If you’re in an abusive relationship, or your friend is, maybe a little more input is inevitable. But that isn’t to rain on your parade. That’s to stop a friend you love dearly from spiraling downwards into a less than desirable way of life.

If your significant other is a straight up assh*le to your best friends, then you need to come up with a compromise or keep it moving. That says something on your significant other's character. If your relationship is so serious and you care that deeply for your boyfriend/girlfriend, they won’t associate you with the antics of your friends that they don’t care for.

They’ll love you for you and respect your choice in friends. Your choice in friends shouldn’t be decided by anyone but you. We can all be blinded by love, lust or maybe just a fabulous sexual relationship. But you can only close your eyes to the reality of things for so long.

The best thing that a friend can do is be supportive. Listen, be attentive and offer advice when it is asked of you. If you are the type of person to give ultimatums, don’t expect your friend to always choose your side. It isn’t because they favor their boyfriend or girlfriend more; it could solely be the fact that you gave them an ultimatum. If you were a so-called best friend, you would never make your friend choose.

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So even if your relationship is a train wreck from the beginning, but you’re too blinded to see it, a best friend will remind you often that you could be enjoying your life much more without that boyfriend/girlfriend. They will remind you how ridiculous you’re acting and you deserve more, but they won’t desert you. They’ll be there at the end to say “I told you so” and continue being your best friend.

These friends are few and far between, but they’re worth the acceptance, tolerance and effort. Those friends will show you the same decency. That’s a relationship worth keeping.